My Friend in Africa

From: Amaru [mailto:419sucksballs@yahoo.com]
Sent: Monday, 8 February 2010 6:02 AM
To: 419sucksballs@yahoo.com
Subject: I'm glad to hear a letter from u

Hello, my good friend.

My name is General Amaru Abacha, and I am writing to you from sunny Nigeria on a lovely summer’s day.

To be truthful, I have something to confess. You may not have heard of me but you have been emailed by many of my employees here in my wonderful country. A while back, when the internet was just coming of age and I was fresh from my business studies at Oxford University, I had the idea of applying that old fee scam letter gag to the new horizons of the World Wide Web. To suggest that I discovered a gold mine would be an underestimation of the vast sums of cash I pulled into our fantastic Ivory Coast nation. I waved that big sum of imaginary money in your face. You coughed up fees to access it. I bought a fleet of boats, a big house overlooking the ocean, a Ferrari for every day of the week and many fine buxom ladies.

However, I have fallen on bad times. It will sorrow you to know that the Nigerian Government has decided to enforce their terrible 419 laws in my country. Apparently, it is now a bad thing to take money from foreigners. I know, I know, I know. You would think this should be everyone’s right, like speeding or beating the homeless. It seems the rules of theft now apply to me, which is a real shame. My house is gone, the cars impounded, the boats sold to Kanye West (for reasons I cannot fathom) and the ladies… well the ladies chase the honey, if you know what I mean

And it seems that the Nigerian Government is still not done with me. They want to arrest me and put me in jail. The shame! I used to be a big shot in the army, nephew to the ruler of the country and owner of the biggest collection of Flock of Seagulls albums. I even did the hairstyle back in the 1980's. So many ladies!


Now all I have is small hut by the beach, my AK-47 and a suitcase containing $25,000,000.00 USD. I am a desperately sad man. I ask your help just once more. I require a fast boat to pick me up from the beach and take me away to Monaco where I still have a nice little apartment near the casinos. I would be willing to give the right person a 20% cut. That’s right. An amazing two million dollars. Please drop by some time in, say, the next 36 hours? With maybe a bottle of Bollinger on ice and a buxom lady with clever hands? And some tapenade dip and water crackers? Not the cracked pepper ones, though. I get gas.

I swear this time I am on the level. No kidnappings, murders or anything. I swear.

Hope to hear from you soon my good friend.


Ciao ciao for now!


Amaru